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Philip E. Humbert, PhD
Author - Speaker
Personal Success Coach!

Coaching to Achieve Your Goals and 
Live Your Dreams!



101 of my Favorite
Quips and Quotes


Here are 101 quotes my personal collection to entertain you!  Humor can be a tricky thing – and I’ve certainly been told my particular funny bone is a bit "weird".  But, I hope some of these will make you laugh, or inspire you, or make your day a little brighter!   Enjoy!

Reading (and re-reading) these quotes over the years has lifted my spirits, given me perspective, and occasionally helped me get through tough times. I hope they have the same affect on you!

I’m always adding to my collection, and your suggestions are appreciated. If you have a quote you’d like to share with me, please email it to:


1. "I once complained to my father that I didn't seem to be able to do things the same way other people did. Dad's advice? ’Margo, don't be a sheep. People hate sheep. They eat sheep’." – Margo Kaufman

2. "One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it's such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher

3. "I always wanted to be somebody. Now I know I should have been more specific." – Lily Tomlin

4. "Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself." – Unknown"

5. "Rivers know this: There is no hurry, we shall get there some day." – Winnie the Pooh

6. "Sit, walk or run, but don't wobble." – Zen saying

7. "The only bad thing about keeping on burning your bridges behind you, is that the world is round."
– Labhesh Patel

8. "You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm." – Colette

9. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no use being a fool about it."
– W.C. Fields

10. "The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat." – Lily Tomlin

11. "People that keep stiff upper lips find it damn hard to smile." – Judith Guest

12. "It’s kind of fun to do the impossible." – Walt Disney
13. "If you can't be a good example then you'll just have to be a terrible warning." – Catherine Aird

14. "Worry is like a rocking chair - it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere."
– Dorothy Galyean

15. "We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do."
– Ethel Barrett

16. "If you can't be kind, at least be vague." – Judith Martin

17. "The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." – Dorothy Nevill

18. "A woman is like a teabag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water." – Nancy Reagan

19. "Fun is about as good a habit as there is." – Jimmy Buffett

20. "Always take the scenic route." – Unknown

21. "Nothing happens until somebody sells something." – Mary Kay Ash

22. "Laughter is much more important than applause. Applause is almost a duty. Laughter is a reward."
– Carol Channing

23. "If you want a place in the sun you've got to put up with a few blisters." – Abigail Van Buren

24. "Too much of a good thing can be wonderful." – Mae West

25. "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." – Dolly Parton

26. "For fast acting relief, try slowing down." – Lily Tomlin

27. "If your mind isn't open, keep your mouth shut too." – Sue Grafton

28. "Dance like no one's watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no one's listening, live like it's heaven on earth." – William Pukey

29. "He who laughs, lasts." – Mary Pettibone Poole

30. "Fate keeps happening." – Anita Loos

31. "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing." – Phyllis Diller

32. "Never fear shadows; they simply mean that there's a light shining somewhere nearby." – Unknown

33. "Let us be of good cheer remembering that the misfortunes hardest to bear are those which never come." – Unknown

34. "Generally the theories we believe we call facts, and the facts we disbelieve we call theories."
– Felix Cohen

35. "When you come to a fork in the road, take it." – Yogi Berra

36. "I have a photographic memory - but it's usually under-exposed." – Marc Poulin

37. "I love the confidence that makeup gives me." – Tyra Banks

38. "It's useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office."
– Shirley MacLaine

39. "Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving evidence of that fact."
– George Elliot

40. "The follies which a man regrets most in his life are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity." – Helen Rowland

41. "The Definition of Maturity - The ability to stick with a job without being supervised, the ability to carry money without spending it, and the ability to bear an injustice without wanting to get even." – Abigail Van Buren

42. "Know the difference between success and fame.   Success is Mother Teresa.  Fame is Madonna."
– Erma Bombeck

43. "I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job." – Roseanne

44. "If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them." – Sue Grafton

45. "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." – Gilda Radner

46. "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?  How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" – Linda Ellerbee

47. "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph." – Shirley Temple

48. "A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." – Bob Hope

49. "I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!" – Tom Lehrer

50. "I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: ‘What good would that do?’" – Ronnie Shakes

51. "It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper." – Rod Serling

52. "Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child.  She must be found and stopped." – Sam Levenson

53. "Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done." – Ernie Kovacs

54. "A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; A bad novel tells us the truth about its author."
– G. K. Chesterton

55. "Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine millimeter bullet." – Dave Barry

56. "This isn't right. It isn't even wrong." – Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague

57. "The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it." – Franklin P. Jones

58. "Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you."
– Tommy Smothers

59. "When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty." – Norm Crosby

60. "The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist."
– Aaron Machado

61. "I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
– Henny Youngman

62. "It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose."  – Darrin Weinberg

63. "Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you." – Fran Lebowitz

64. "A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin." – H.L. Mencken

65. "It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble.  It's the things you know that just ain't so." – Artimus Ward

66. "Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting the bull not to attack you because you're a vegetarian." – Dennis Wholey

67. "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." – Unknown

68. "When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.  But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute...and it's longer than an hour.  That's relativity." – Albert Einstein

69. "An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere, while the pessimist sees only the red stoplight. The truly wise person is colour blind." – Albert Schweitzer

70. When asked what he thought of western civilization, Mahatma Gandhi repiled, "I think it would be a good idea."

71. "The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory." – Paul Fix

72. "The best way to predict your future is to create it." – Unknown

73. "You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions." – Naguib Mahfouz

74. "If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?" – Albert Einstein

75. "I think the one lesson I have learned is that there is no substitute for paying attention." – Diane Sawyer

76. "A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he knows something." – Wilson Mizner

77. "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde." – Dolly Parton

78. "I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours." – Rita Rudner

79. "I think - therefore I'm single." – Lizz Winstead

80. "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." – Bella Abzug

81. "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." – Gloria Steinem

82. "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." – Katharine Hepburn

83. "Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after." – Anne Morrow Lindbergh

84. "Advice is what we ask for when we know the answer but wish we didn't." – Erica Jong

85. "It's the good girls who keep the diaries. The bad girls never have the time." – Tallulah Bankhead

86. "You can't fake listening. It shows." "Raquel Welch"

87. "If only we'd stop trying to be happy, we could have a pretty good time." – Edith Wharton

88. "The best mind-altering drug is truth." – Lily Tomlin

89. "For most of history, Anonymous was a woman." – Virginia Woolf

90. "Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands -- and then eat just one of the pieces." – Judith Viorst

91. "It is better to be looked over than overlooked." – Mae West

92. "Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training." – Anna Freud

93. "Even cowards can endure hardship; only the brave can endure suspense." – Mignon McLaughlin

94. "To err is human, but it feels divine." – Mae West

95. "Just remember, we're all in this alone." – Lily Tomlin

96. "I have a simple philosophy. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches." – Alice Roosevelt Longworth

97. "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." – Albert Einstein

98. "A year from now you may wish you had started today." – Karen Lamb

99. "Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute." – Unknown

100. "Life is too short to be little." – Benjamin Disraeli

101. "Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest." – Mark Twain

Thank you for visiting!  I hope you’ll bookmark this page and come back regularly for another "Taste of Wry"!  For a list of 101 Inspirational Quotes, click here, and for 101 Motivational Quotes, click here.

Most of these Quotes have been collected and used in my FREE weekly email newsletter, TIP's, which is sent each weekend.   Start your week with ideas, strategies and solutions to build your professional practice, manage your work and improve you life!   To subscribe, just click the form, below:

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